The Anti-Resolutions: Part One

Resolution babble is everywhere right now: “New Year, new you!” “11 ways to transform yourself in 2011!” “Turn over a new leaf in the New Year!” Blech. Welcome to part one of my two-part rant on resolutions, where I invite you to stick your New Year’s Resolutions where the sun don’t shine. Part one is about the blinders they put on us, part two is about the self-loathing that’s required whenever you resolve to be “better” so stay tuned…

We Americans are goal people. We freaking love our goals. Think about all of the positive associations that you have with the word “goal” and you know what I’m talking about; Progress, success, achievement, happiness- all of those words and then some get lumped in with the word goal.

So what’s my deal? One of the problems with being goal focused is how they rigidify our futures and put some pretty snug blinders on to any delicious opportunities that might present themselves. If you’re mercilessly chasing down that thing you promised yourself you would do, you’re pretty unlikely to be open to new and (potentially) more appealing avenues.

It’s like that person churning out 80 hour work weeks to try to get promoted in their job- because getting promoted is their goal after all- and being so consumed with the task that they don’t pause to acknowledge that they hate their damn job anyway. Think a promotion will make the loathing go away? Not bloody likely.

Or as Parker J. Palmer says vastly more eloquently than I in his book Let Your Life Speak:

“Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let you life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent.”

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some vacuous pitch for you to just blindfold yourself, “go with the flow”, and lay on the couch eating chocolate for all of 2011 (and I find it interesting how often we imagine that the only alternative to forcing oneself to work hard is to deteriorate into total sloth- fodder for another post).

I have things I desire too, and I work my ass off. It’s just that the things I desire aren’t prescriptive (as in, I’m not entirely sure how they’ll morph along the way), and the things I work so hard on are the things that I adore. I don’t drop what’s important to me just because some shiny new object pops up, it’s just that within what really matters to me, I’m open to learning as I go.

But enough about me. Let’s dig in to some possibilities for a resolution-free (or at least resolution-lite) New Year:

• Say yes to the things you can’t not do. These things show up so rarely, but they’re always total gems. Remember back to the things you couldn’t not do in your life- for example making a career change or falling in love- and then think of where they led you. Good stuff right?
• Let the filler resolutions fall away. The flip side of saying yes to the things you can’t not do is to let the mundane stuff fall away. For example: “I will floss my teeth daily this year.” OK, fine, but is making that a goal what you really want to fill your time and attention with?
• Drop the “I’ll be happy when…” line. We all do this constantly and subconsciously. Think of nearly every goal you’ve ever made or currently have and ask yourself really why you are working towards it. After a few rounds of stripping away to the truth of it, it will go something like this, “I’ll be happy when I lose those last 10 pounds. I’ll be happy when I finally get a new job.” And on and on like this. Or you could just find something to delight in in your life right now. There’s plenty if you stop indulging grass-is-greener-itis.
• Crack the door open to possibility.Instead of prescribing where you’re going, try getting curious instead. You can choose some category of your life (work, meeting someone new, etc) and then try to stay in the curious stage as in, “I wonder if something interesting and surprising might blow my way in this area of my life?” Note: your mind will try to drag you out of inquisitive and open and into certain and fixated at all costs. Our brains like to make things black and white- but life is grey (silly humans!). Hang out in the grey.
• Wonder about the what, instead of the how. What: “I am interested in a career change.” How: “I will read 30 new books on career changes this year, I will interview with 10 new companies this year, I will….” How closes down unanticipated moments of synthesis that can get you where you’re hoping to go. What just keeps reminding you to stay open and keep inquiring and noticing new opportunities.
• Be willing to make messes. No matter how perfectly crafted your goals and resolutions are, you are still not immune to life shifting and changing. Whether we like it or not life is about learning to live on shifting sands, and goals are not insurance against ever failing, experiencing heart break, or feeling lost. It reminds me of my absolute favorite part of this Helen Keller quote:
  

  “Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold. ” [bolding mine]

  Messes happen whether you’re staying on target with your life plans or not. And they are clean-up-able.

If you want more on this from people who talk about this stuff way more intelligently than I do, I highly recommend:

Let Your Life Speak by Parker J. Palmer
Goal-Free Living by Stephen Shapiro
Loving What Is by Byron Katie

Photo by hoyasmeg